Tribute to the Best GI Joe Toy: The Tomahawk

There I was, minding my own business on a Wednesday night, watching my new-found love of TV shows, The Toy Hunter, when I was suddenly transported back to December of 1987. No, I wasn’t really get sucked through a wormhole and landed 26 years in the past, forced to watch my 9 year-old-self wear pants that were too high. It was more of an existential experience back to when I had one of the best toys a boy could have. But over the years it slowly lost its pieces and parts in a pretend war campaign waged against Cobra. And the Empire. And Skeletor.

I was such a shit on toys. (I hope I remember to come back and think of a better phrase than that)

That particular episode of The Toy Hunter, the focus was on finding the GI Joe line from the early to late 1980′s and one of my all time favorites as a kid who was destined to one day join the real Army. I remember collecting so many of the vehicles that at one time I needed to rely on Star Wars creatures to operate them. The GI Joe guys seemed to have an issue with their legs coming off.

There was one vehicle, however, that ruled the rest of them. Of course this is up for debate because there are a million of nerds who will argue differently but this was the one that ruled my collection. It was the UH-6N Tomahawk helicopter made by Hasbro and it brought serious clout to the battlefield in the backyard.

image from yojoe.com

This was more than just a toy. This was a toy that your other toys could interact with. Hours of fun could be had with this massive vehicle and I do mean massive. Keep in mind, I was 9 years old and probably 60 pounds soaking wet so playing with helicopter would be the equivalent of “adult” me pretending to fly my ironing board around the room. Most of the time I was loading on legless joes in a hot LZ while medics applied tourniquets and the aircrew laid down a barrage of suppressive fire. I had a realistic imagination and was probably a real drag to play with.

This toy also had another special memory attached to it because like all kids who just can’t wait for Christmas Day, I found the awesome box under their bed in early December and had to crawl the walls for almost the entire month before opening it on Christmas Day. I hope kids still are that way.

So, I guess you are asking why I am writing about a Christmas gift in June? I can answer that. Bringing this tale back full circle to The Toy Hunter, this particular toy, in the unopened box went for $8,000. And that’s when I made this face:

$8000 for an almost 30-year-old toy??? It’s hard to fathom six pounds of plastic parts to be monetarily equivalent to a 2003 Acura. I was in disbelief that not only was my favorite toy in a sealed box so expensive but that there are people who actually would pay that much! Why? I was a bit shocked but I also felt a bit validated because I consider it my favorite childhood toy.

Although the Tomahawk is probably a shell at the bottom of a box somewhere in the recesses of the parents’ basement, I took a piece of it with me through my evolving adulthood. It’s a rare thing for me to hold on to very much (both figuratively and literally) from one stage to the next but this bag is something I have not departed with almost thirty years.

Behold, the reminisce of the GI Joe Tomahawk chopper. Sadly, it all fits in a zip-lock bag.

Here we have the 18 point description of the helicopter and weaponry. You have to admit, this was a hell of a machine. It makes you wonder with crazy weapons like the “Laser-enhanced NVS (night vision system) 50 Cal Machine Gun” how they still couldn’t hit a Cobra trooper. Had they had some basic riflery range training, that show would have been a different cartoon.

Take a gander at all the cool tax-paid-parts that made this a formidable opponent on the battlefield. It looks heavy.

When you open the four page fold out we see the directions to put this behemoth together. I am sure this was the part that made Dad groan. And even with plenty of other toys on Christmas morning to keep my attention there was no way I would let Dad drink his eggnog in peace until every missile was on the winglets and every Joe was seated in the constructed ‘copter.

I believe that is how I was busted for peaking at the presents by whining to my father, “Come on Dad! I waited a whole three weeks for this! I mean…er…forever?”.

These toys were especially cool because each GI Joe had a back story. The pilot that came with the chopper was “Lift-Ticket” but his civilian name was Victor Sikorski, SSN# 675-51-5671, from Lawton, Oklahoma. I can see this was a little nudge to the makers of helicopters like the Tomahawk, Sikorsky.

I find it kind of neat that his story is pretty realistic from the way real Army pilots follow their profession. Opting out of Officer Candidate School and going to a Warrant Officer program was and is exactly how you become a pilot in the US Army. As a veteran, I get a little tickled how realistic the plot of Lift-Ticket’s life was. But that’s just the Army nerd in me. I won’t bore you with all that.

Stickers! Okay, decals. I never put decals on my toys. I did, however, decorate everything from my windows to books with them. I can’t tell you why but I am guessing that once Dad put the vehicles together, I wasn’t taking the time to stick warning signs next to the jet intake areas. My Joes knew not to stand there.

This is off topic but I was actually sent to the principal’s office for putting similar decals on the back of the bus’ windows. I had to scrub all the windows on the entire bus line that Friday. Looking back, I think that punishment was a bit  harsh. There is no way a kid today would be required to pay that price without the news being involved. What little pansies we raise today.

I forgot about these. Back in the 80′s we didn’t have this precious internet so we had to rely on good ol’ postal service. In every vehicle’s box had a card for mail-in points for impossible to find toys. Mostly, it was a Sgt. Slaughter campaign from his commercials and I was definitely a SGT. Slaughter B.A.T.T.L.E. Brigade member. All the way!

Seems a little weird that recently I met the Sergeant in the flesh. I am still a little put off by the smiley dick he drew for me. And his frill on his drill sergeant hat. All a bit strange. I am rethinking what his acronyms really meant now.

Lastly in the ziplock bag, we come to an actual part that I could never keep connected on the Tomahawk; the ramp. The little bastard kept opening mid-flight and in a fit of rage I tore it off and tossed it in the bind with all the miscellaneous guns and rockets from years of toy collecting. I told my platoon that seat belts were S.O.P (Standard Operating Procedure) from then on and I could calm my imagination and OCD.

These nostalgic posts always go from a scream to a whisper so I will leave you with this.

Eight fucking thousand dollars???

What’s the Haps?

Things are happening over here at the VeggieMacabre HQ! I have been working behind the scenes for the upcoming 2013 Halloween Countdown that will be an official thing starting the last week of August and running through October. I had no idea how big of a project something like this is until I committed with a few fellow web masters, an online show, a couple of product lines and friends for road trips just for the spooky articles. I have already been writing the random filler posts so the chance of a midseason burnout is greatly diminished.

Pretty exciting stuff and I have high expectations so now I need to make sure all the pieces fit just right. Oh logistics in a blog! Always elusive.

Until that kickoff, I have a few more adventures in store. Keep an eye out for a nostalgic tribute and a couple more reviews coming to a computer near you.

Did you know this site has a Tumblr picture blog? It’s true! Mainly I keep it as my photo blog because I have a magical talent of taking inconspicuous cellphone pictures of odd things. I try to keep it classy but every so often I find a rather large lady at the pool with a bad cat tattoo and I just can’t help myself. You will find all of that nonsense there. And trust me, there is a lot of it.

Click the picture and magically transport yourself there!

Also, I am on Twitter too! Say whaaaaaaat??? It’s true! I don’t think I need to make a deal out of this because most people know I am on Twitter even though I don’t say too much about my tiny little webmaster world. I do follow some pretty rad people and shockingly, I am followed by even more rad people. Like Andrew Zimmern! You know, the guy that eats bugs and fish heads as a delicacy on the Travel Channel? He followed me after I tweeted “It would be Hell to be reincarnated as Andrew Zimmern’s toilet”. Good to see he has a sense of humor. I still feel bad about that.

So, come find me and lets follow each other! Forever and ever and ever….

I think that’s enough with blog begging for a day. I just wanted to point out some areas where you can access hidden gems that will get bigger throughout the summer.

Enjoy your day and I will be back with a tribute to the best GI Joe vehicle ever and if you disagree, I will….do nothing. Maybe make noises like “pshhh”. Who knows?

 

 

Flea Market Madness and a Horror Bake Shop

It’s not everyday when you find a place that is made for your little tiny insignificant spot on the internet. For a long time, I didn’t think that place existed. Well, not in this state anyway. But that all changed on Saturday when I had enough of a break from the world of responsibilities to go on a little adventure. I would have no idea what an adventure it would turn out to be.

I took a chance and went to my first flea market and whoa-nelly, what an experience!

Right away I knew this was blog worthy. I wasn’t even past the front door yet and the camera on the phone was primed.

No guns? Okay, I agree with that. No smoking? Sure! NO SNAKES? What kind of place is this?

This place was massive. It was a covered bizarre full of hundreds of venders and millions of oddities. I love this stuff and it was well worth the risk of being beaten with a Vietnamese bamboo shaft for an unwelcome photo moment. I had to be sure the flash was off. This was no place for a mistake like that.

Before I get into the obvious weirdness of a flea market I need to tell you level of people watching was all the way to eleven. Like this guy, for an example. A tough biker dude with gloves and a Harley shirt but has a butt bigger than my Junior year’s English teacher. This guy is clearly living on the edge…by eating Big Macs while riding a motorcycle. That’s talent, my friends.

I’m going to stop being mean now.

So this place exists. Like chocolate and peanut butter, mustard and hotdogs, Jason Vorhees and campers, hiphop and Kung Fu just makes sense. It’s hard to believe that this guy took an idea like this and ran with it but he did and we are all better for it. I didn’t venture inside the cage because I couldn’t see myself actually buying anything and he seemed very intense on the phone. I opted for this photo and to me, that alone is a gift.

This sign speaks the truth! Behind it sits an angry, albeit much smaller, Chinese man who I did not want to cross. Even though his store is mainly old cellphones and video games, he also gives out mean glares. But it seems he does have a sense of humor. I tried to by an iPhone 5 charger and was met with some confusing questions like “You power on for car?” and “I give you two for three!”. At that point smiling, nodding and backing away was my only choice. Then running.

Oh the swords. There were so many swords. Any cutting and stabbing weapon you can imagine was there. The really funny thing was the vendors who sold them. It turns out grandmas know quite a bit about the ways of the samurai. If you ever wanted to be a ninja vigilante, this is your first stop. Talk to Bobby Sue. She’s the one with a cat tattoo on her huge left arm and wearing a number four Talladega race day shirt.

I am always a sucker for Garfield ripoffs, especially when he is trying to eat a jumbo sausage but not before taking a test lick. I appreciate that this wasn’t a total ripoff, though. The artist did leave off his stripes. If there is one thing cats love it’s spicy sausage. Owners do not share this love.

There were so many little spaces like this that had no real organization or way to keep account of what stuff they had. It’s a mystery to me how they sell anything at all. Is this where hoarders buy their junk? Because I can see how they would think their lifestyles are normal if they shop here all the time.

If most of this bizarre was set up this way I would have merely peeked around a bit and called it a day. I hate wasting a Saturday inhaling asbestos when I don’t have to. But lucky for me, around the next corner was a day maker.

What the shit? Is this real life? There is no way a Halloween bakery exists in June. It’s as if God Himself guided me to this place knowing full well I needed blog material and there I stood, looking at cupcakes and Freddy Krueger AT THE SAME TIME! If ever there was a place that embodies VeggieMacabre, this was it.

Everybody was at the party, too! Here we see Pinhead holding his “box of fun” and hinting that the orange limeade is really refreshing. You have to be careful when taking his advice, however. His version of a good limeade has fishhooks at the bottom.

The walls are covered in severed limbs and menacing tools along with occasional macabre news articles. I especially love the skull wreath. During the Halloween season you could actually keep it up through Christmas without the neighbors having a leg to stand on. It is a wreath!

We see here a most excellent Halloween mood table originally coined by Matt of Dinosaur Dracula. A Halloween Mood Table is a hodgepodge of anything that gets you in the Halloween mood. Here we see quite a bit of great stuff but looking closer I am kicking myself for not noticing the Wolfman teeth with a toothbrush conveniently next to it. I could be writing this article wearing Wolfman teeth had I paid closer attention.

As if this place could not be anymore charming, there was even daily horror trivia. AND GOOD TRIVIA TOO! What place can you honestly think of that has a daily question involving a Dario Argento movie? If you can, I will personally learn this dance and film it for a vlog.

So after gushing all over the poor girl who owns this little plot of awesomeness, I had to buy something. The cupcakes with little dinosaurs and aliens on top were cute but I didn’t have an appetite for sweets. It wasn’t the severed heads or dead vampire babies that killed it, I just don’t have much of a sweet tooth. So, I opted for the lemon orange limeade. Not too bad. It had a hint of orange, lemon and lime without fishhooks or ears! B minus.

I like to think that this Pooh receptical has a story to tell. I am most certain he does not belong on a normal trashcan but something to match his top. Perhaps he came from some amusement park years ago only to end up outside of a mexican frozen treat stand in a flea market. It’s kind of sad. I gave him my spooky limeade.

Oh man, it’s the “Make you’re own smell” guy! What a concept! The dude was a character too and no one was safe from harassment when passing by his cube. I don’t think I need to go into his poor choice of a business name because words like “scent” or “essence” didn’t rise to the top of his list.

I bet he is the type who insults people when he means to compliment them. You know, like saying “your face isn’t as fat as it used to be” or something like that. I don’t believe words are his strong point but hopefully making “smells” are.

Not all shops were so strange. This was a killer vintage toy store that was full of some of my favorite childhood memories. Since the show Toy Hunter has been my mandatory Wednesday night watch, I have been fascinated by how much these toys go for. And oddly curious to see how much money I could have made by simply taking care of my stuff. It’s a little sickening.

This place had a ton of stuff from Star Wars to GI Joe to Transformers. What caught my eye the most were the Masters of the Universe line and TMNTs. All of them were unboxed in a giant bin for $3 a piece and the old lady in a wheel chair was bargaining with me for the whole set. I just don’t know enough about toys to buy a huge box of a mishmash of characters. Plus her constant nagging over what I need was a little too reminiscent of this…

I escaped with a future post worthy toy that I will write soon. I love it and soon you will too.

What I thought would be an hour trip turned into three and I still had a long list of real chores to do so I made my way to the exit feeling very fulfilled with my findings for that Saturday. But just before I was about to leave I spotted this..

Do you know what this is? It’s a fully automated embroidering machine. They just type in a word or phrase and the machine will stitch it on to most any article of clothing. And it costs next to nothing! You could write “ALLEN THICKE IS A DICK” on a piece of paper, slide it to the clerk and before you know it, you have a shirt advertising you disdain for the dad on Growing Pains. It’s not magic but it makes me feel magical.

You know I had to.

They forgot the dot.

Thanks for reading.

Magic Hat Summer Scene Variety Pack

Tis the season for fun and super sunburns! It’s a time every kid in America lives for and people like me look forward to sweating in a suit. But for adults Summer does have its perks like cooking out, beach trips and great light ales to quench the thirst after mowing the lawn…twice a week.

Today I am going to shed some light on a seasonal variety pack. I stick to variety packs mainly because it’s easier to shoot a video about four beers versus one. And it’s not quiet as boring because you have a…um…variety. Yeah.

 

Magic Hat is a great brewing company from Vermont and is as creative and trippy as the hippies who live there. It seems every year they get weirder and weirder and if you know me, then you know that is close to godliness as it gets. They take time to put a little fun and humor into their beers and it is backed up by the taste. It’s hard to argue with a product base that wins almost all beer-fests throughout the world.

Today’s review-vlog is the Summer Scene sample which includes the #9 Pale Ale, Idle Betty, Blind Faith IPA and the new HICU beer made from hibiscus and cucumber. The HICU is the new beer they brought to the table. Sounds good, right? See what we think in the video. (I say we because I am loner who plays by his own rules)

Magic Hat

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Inspiration from a Skating Wall-Walker

Inspiration doesn’t come easy these days. I try to find it by volunteering or helping those less fortunate but even then it’s a fleeting moment of “meh”. I’ve been sucked into corporate America and closing on a house, so soon I will be assimilated into the masses who go to Home Depot on Saturdays and become an active member of a home owners association. While it is necessary to leap forward as an adult, I still do require a bit of inspiration that reminds me of simpler times. And that happened a few weeks ago when I took some kids roller skating.

Let’s be clear, I don’t skate. Charlie don’t surf, Billy don’t skate. I will, however, watch those who do and that’s mainly hoping for wipeouts or older male teens who have roller skate dance-offs. I like to laugh at misfortune. But after an hour or so the hilarity diminishes and I am forced to complain that the music stinks or the fact sweaty kids are gross. My volunteering for the local rotary chapter always turns out to be more painful than I anticipate.

I don’t know how roller skating was decided as the activity I was chaperoning but I will say, stepping into a roller rink building is like stepping back to 1987. This carpet agrees. There is not much that can change besides the music and if the main activity is roller skating in circles and a few limbo games, you gotta stick to what works. Even the arcade barely changed, I assume. There is no way a place would buy half of these “push the quarters off the ledge” machines.

I think what really hits the nostalgia bone is the fact nearly 90% of all the elementary and middle school birthday parties I was invited to was hosted at Sparkles Roller Rink. And I hated every single one of them. The reason being is I can’t skate. To this day I have the worst balance and if there are wheels under my feet, my face is on the floor. What made it even worse was being forced to wear the damn skates because everyone else would know I suck. By putting them on I could at least hang on to something and avoid the constant torment of adults questioning what wrong with me like “aren’t you having fun?” or “are you feeling okay?”. If there is anything worse than your peers making fun of you it’s the parents of the birthday kid asking if you wanted special treatment. I always opted for catastrophic falls and holding on for dear life to an awful video game no one wanted to play and without of quarters.

Lost in my own thoughts when I should have been watching the kids we brought, I spotted something that I had not seen in years. It was a roller skating wall-walker. And what really blew my mind was the fact he had to be at least 60!

This is not the greatest picture but in a room full of strange kids, I had to take my pictures quickly and discreetly.

As you can see he is walking that wall. It’s clear that if this wasn’t his first time on skates it had to have been at least 40 years since he has graced the rink. It was both inspiring and a little nerve-racking. This dude’s hips were in definite danger especially when negotiating the breaks in walls that were for access to the rink. There were a few “whoa” moments and even a spill or two.

Every time he completed a lap (which took 20 minutes) I was certain he would just return to a bench and join the other adults who, by the way, had their feet firmly planted to the ground. But no, he just started a new lap. It was like watching a goose trying to cross a highway. He didn’t give a shit.

Around the fourth lap or so, I had to give this guy some encouragement. So I waited until he crawled his way past my side of the rink and I said “way to go, man!”. He shot me a look like I just told his daughter to wear shorter dresses. I was a little taken aback because I had been so impressed with his resilience and stubbornness to master an activity designed for an 8 year old that I was certain he would give me a thumbs up. Nope, he was a bit of a dick.

Well, even though his attitude towards me was shitty, I am still inspired by his determination to both look foolish and not give up. I can’t imagine the amount of aspirin this dude had to take the next day. I saw him flail and flop on the ground no less than a dozen times. So, every time I am engaged in a long and arduous activity I will think of the 60 year old wall-walker and remember, don’t give up.

Okay, I just reread this post and I disagree with all of this. The guy never got better at skating but in fact much worse. He should have given up the second he started tap dancing backwards and making arm gestures like a mime pulling an imaginary rope. He lost 16,000 man points and I can’t imagine at 60 years old, someone would aspire to be a decent roller skater. There are so many other great activities that don’t require you to look like a cat with tape on its feet.

Sorry for all of this. Happy Thursday!

 

 

 

Four Drinks That Are Terrible For You. But Fun.

I think this is a good time to write this particular post since I am beyond exhausted after a hellish trip to nowhere. Literally, I ended up nowhere only to come into work destroyed and ready for another weekend. I half blame US Air and half blame the fucking asshole who took my briefcase when I was shutting my eyes after not sleeping for a day. But that is history and now I want to tell you about themed energy drinks from pop culture gold. Ba-zing.

I found these tucked in the far back aisle of the Five Below store. If you are unfamiliar with the Five Below store, it’s like a general store but specifically for an eleven-year-old girl. Why was I there, you ask? I needed 3 foot long Twizzlers and I heard they sold them. They did. But in that endeavor, I also found these.

Okay, let’s get this one out-of-the-way. I know almost nothing about My Little Ponies and to be honest, I needed a tough and macabre background just to save a little dignity for this site. But who am I kidding, I kissed dignity bye-bye a long time ago. You will notice the Famous Monsters magazine from an older post as the backdrop and 3-D Monster dot com’s art in sticker form below the can. I say that makes up for a girl toy.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash’s Fizzy Cherry Splash energy drink is something you never want to feed a kid. Why it exists at all, I have no idea. It is a pink sour drink that only has a purpose to quickly transport 28 grams of sugar into the veins for an instant up and a terrible crash. If you give this to an eight year old girl she will grow a beard, jump on the roof and start singing “Strange Love” by Depeche Mode until the high disappears leaving her trapped on the roof. Then you will need to throw up another can but she will only be chasing the dragon, much like what Rainbow Dash is appeared to be doing. It’s a sad and twisted cycle. But what do you expect when you read “Hasbro” on the side of an edible product?

To sum this up, take a cherry Otter Pop and melt it. Then add a wee little bit of carbonation and ta-da, you have Fizzy Cherry Splash. And it will kill you.

Here we are! Pac-Man will always save the day when it comes to weird novelty items. There is something that is timeless about the big ol’ wheel of ghost eating cheese. I never got into the spinoff cartoon or future video games that expanded on the Pac-Man universe so it’s hard for me to really understand his diet. I guess it was primarily ghost sheets, an occasional cherry and a lot of Kix cereal? But we are drifting from the drink.

It’s not quiet as in-your-face-terrible-for-you like the My Little Pony energy drink because this one actually has vitamin B and B12. Not a lot but hey, even 1% is better than none. The flavor is pretty tough to put a finger on especially when the color hints at cherry but it’s not. The can doesn’t even help. The closest guess I had was either cyanocobalamin or hydrochloride. HYDROCHLORIDE??? What the fuck am I drinking? Isn’t that what takes the algae off house siding? What ever it is, the taste is closest to Juicy Fruit. Poisonous, poisonous Juicy Fruit.

Power up with Nintendo Power! Boy, if there is something that will get me to look away from a burning car for a second it’s a glimpse of Nintendo nostalgia. It’s not that I was really into Nintendo growing up all that much (unless you are talking about Super Mario 2) but it’s just gets me warm and fuzzy. And the thought of getting a real 1up in a can from Mario makes me warmer.

God, that last sentence doesn’t sound good.

Upon tasting this Power Up energy drink it was equally mysterious in flavor. So I compared the Pac-Man drink against this one and it was like comparing two blank sheets of paper. Then I realized I am an idiot and confirmed both energy drinks are the exact same. I felt like I had been looking for my sunglasses in the house and being pissed off at how dark things are only to find them. On my face.

Yes folks, it’s all in the packaging so if you want to know how this energy drink tastes, try to remember what you just read above.

This next drink deserves a little more attention. So I shot a video.

Duff

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Well folks, there you have it. A few energy drinks from iconic 80′s and 90′s pop culture and it only cost me a year off my life and possible tooth abrasion. I do it all for you.

The evil geniuses behind these drinks are the good people of Boston America Corp. I guess I should thank them.

8 Deceased Cereals Immortalized

There is something to be said for being a child or the eighties and nineties. I know that has been stated to oblivion on blogs much like this one, but it’s true. It’s as if all the designers of toys, makers of snacks, writers of cartoons completely understood what a kid thought and what was conducive for the young palate. Before the modern concern of childhood obesity and over bearing parents forcing Ronald McDonald to shoot the Fry-Guys and take up marathon running, we had it pretty good. And there is no better example than what we had for breakfast every morning.

I scoured Amazon and eBay looking for forgotten cereals for this post but paying $89 for an empty box of Dinersaurs would make me look ridiculous and this post would be short. One reason being, I have never tried Dinersaurs. That makes me incredibly sad admitting that. So, I opted to collect refrigerator magnets immortalizing the boxes of the eight most memorable cereals of the eighties and nineties to me. Let the stupidity begin!

Kellogg’s OJ’s cereal had a prominent spot in the pantry for a short time back in elementary school. Boasting to have the same vitamin C amount as a really small glass of orange juice and “ready-sweetened” goodness, it was tough for a hypochondriac mother to pass up. This was back in the stage when mom was convinced I had an allergy to my own hair and the sky so any little nutritional help was welcomed. I, myself, thought the orange-wrangling cowboy was great so the fact that I didn’t have to drink a glass of orange juice AND eat my cereal was kinda lost on me.

Looking back on this it seems pretty gross to think of orange and milk. Sure there is fruit flavored cereal like Trix and Fruit Loops, but this was a single fruit. It was like having a lemon cereal. It all seemed a bit wrong. But there are a dedicated few (566 to be exact) that have signed an ongoing online petition for the return of this 30-year-old cereal. I signed it too because I can’t pass on an opportunity to resurrect 1985 gold.

And what the Hell is a Starbot? I need one and that sucks because I never will have one.

Donkey Kong cereal is one of the novelty cereals that if taken out of the box and tossed into a Cap’n Crunch box, none would be the wiser if you convinced the person eating that it’s a new large-size Cap’n Crunch. It’s the same sweetened corn cereal that was in the shape of barrels that Kong would toss at Mario (known then as “Jumpman”) hoping to kill him. Kill him dead. If I was left to control Mario’s fate it would happen often. I suck at that game.

This cereal is actually before my time even though I have a vague memory of the box in or house. I think it was a diversion snack during church so I wouldn’t make X-Wing engine sounds during the homily. I really wish I could cut my gums on some huge barrels again.

Back photo from X-Entertainment.com Click the photo to go there.

Ever want to eat a bowl full of really sweetened corn and oat T’s? Is that a question no one has asked you before? Well, you want to. Back in the early eighties the A-Team was a hit on Saturday nights and out of that hit spawned a spinoff cartoon from one of the most iconic characters of that era; Mr.T. I can’t remember the cartoon very well other than it was like Captain Planet but instead of a blue guy we had Mr.T leading a pack of do-gooding teens to stop crime. These sort of things passed back then and we ate them up, both figuratively and literally.

I wrote the entire paragraph just for that sentence. I need to write more.

I ate this cereal often because my Dad loved the character Clubber Lang and had no idea who Mr. T was. He thought the character in Rocky 3 inspired a cartoon and a cereal. Man, what a world my Dad lives in. Did he even pay attention while watching Rocky?

Another X-Entertainment backdrop. Click for the actual article.

Nerds!  Woohoo boy I have some history with Nerds Cereal. This exact flavor combo to be exact. Way back in the mid-eighties Nerds candy came to rule roost of the school yard. They were the tangy little fruit flavored clusters that came in two flavors separated by a barrier in the box. Back in the day these boxes were pretty large and were the choice to sneak-eat in class. It was a common practice to share these unless the one asshole who was my friend put his mouth on the box and gummed up the opening. He was also the guy who farted in morning homeroom and tried to cough his way out of it. The teacher said he was in need of a breath mint. But I digress.

It wasn’t long before Ralston saw a goldmine in the cereal world for the first two flavored cereal that was separated in the same box. That sounded less complex when I say it aloud. Thus, Nerds Cereal was born and even though I tried and tried to like it, it tasted like total dog shit.

My elementary school pal, Nicky, was the kid who legitimately was allergic to everything. He had a wheat allergy and couldn’t eat much of anything. I didn’t really think of it at the time but during a sleep over I brought out this magnificent box to show off the new breakfast fad and he just could no longer take it. He had to try it and like a good friend, I set him up with a big bowl of death. In what seemed minutes he puked up the strawberry/grape combo on our porch and stained it red. I am not kidding you, Dad hosed it and scrubbed it and finally went to Ace Hardware to by paint and repainted the spot. The cereal was never seen again.

Nintendo Cereal System came along a bit late in comparison to the birth of the actual Nintendo gaming system. But really, I don’t think the Nintendo culture was at its peak until 1988 so then it was right on time! I forget, to be honest. I do remember the bags being separate and the flavor choices were “Fruity” and “Berry”. Both pretty similar. The best part of this cereal was the shapes. Very identifiable except for the main characters.

Um…nooooo. But I can’t rail on the people who made the cereal. They came as close as they could and to by honest, no kid ever bought this cereal based on likeness. It was a culture necessity and I was no different. I ate this cereal to be cool. I ate it in purple and pink Jams with a yellow Body Glove t-shirt while watching Maya the Bee. Cool, man.

If there ever was a king among cereals, it always has to go to the wacky Cap’n Crunch. I may not have been a big fan of the original and even though Crunch Berries almost swayed me closer, the deciding factor for my heart and soul always lies in Halloween Crunch. I know this is relatively new in comparison to the other extinct cereal and I also know this one isn’t necessarily deceased either, I couldn’t leave it out. A Halloween themed anything gets a hug from me.

This is what I am talking about. WWF Superstars cereal from 1991. I was a huge Wrestlemania fan much to the constant taunting of my peers and family but I didn’t care. I was an avid Ultimate Warrior fan who used to secretly put on my “sticks of thunder” arms and walk around my room ranting about the Gods preconceived victory over Hulk Hogan as I then body slam my imaginary foe in to the floor. I think we all did this as young fans. And that’s why I had to eat the cereal.

There really isn’t much to brag about other than the sharp star shapes and it boasted to have 9 vitamins instead of the normal 8 of other corn and grain cereals. I ate this often even though I never let anyone know about it. At that time, Michael Keaton as Batman was a much more popular choice among the populous when it came to corn pop cereal.

Keeping to the fart convo from before, I totally forgot about the Kathy Lee and Regis interview with the Ultimate Warrior when he covers his farting by destroying the studio. I promise this fart theme will stop now. Turn up the volume and set your brain on low. It’s kinda funny.

Getting to the best tasting but absolute worst for you cereal of the bunch we land on another video game themed breakfast…cereal. Pac-Man ruled the arcade for years and branched to a brand name that is still around today. Like Lucky Charms, this cereal was a no-go in the Webster family home. But it didn’t mean it was off my diet entirely. I had my friends.

In the eighties it was still acceptable to have crushed lollipops mixed in the bag of cereals and look at the FDA with a straight face and boast to be apart of the daily nutritional value that a growing youth needed. It was a great time to be alive and I weep for the kids of today and their nanny state removing cartoon and TV themes from the breakfast table. They have no idea what they are missing.

You get the fuck out of here, Cabbage Patch Kids and your creepy potted smiling cereal bits!!! We don’t know you and nobody likes you. Be terrible somewhere else!!!